The Truth About Cats and Dogs

* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.  Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

* Dogs have owners.  Cats have staff.

* Dogs shed, cats shred.

* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

* Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend.  Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

* Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

* Women and cats will do as they please …  men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

* When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem

Play On Words….

—I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s
syncing now.
— I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
— When chemists die, they barium.
—Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
— A soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
— I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
— How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
— I stayed up all night to see where the sun
went. Then it dawned on me.
— This girl said she recognized me from the
vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
— I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I
can’t put it down.
— I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
— They told me I had type A blood, but it was
a type-O.
— A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
—Why were the Indians here first? They had
reservations.
— Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory– I hope
there’s no pop quiz.
— The Energizer bunny arrested and charged
with battery.
— I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew
on me.
— Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher
who lost her job because she couldn’t control
her pupils?
— I dropped out of communism class because
of lousy Marx.
— Velcro – what a rip off!
— Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are
sketchy.
— Earthquake in Washington obviously
government’s fault.
—Police say robbers smashed into cement
truck. They are looking for hardened
criminals.
—All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations
have been stolen. Police have nothing to go
on.

She Did It!

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping.  He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening.  “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that.  She ate all the bait.”

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

These are from a book

called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY:

What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He

said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:

My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were

you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and

Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you

sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie

there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your

date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS:

Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is

your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I

can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS:

Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This

myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:

Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I

forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor,

isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar

exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son,

the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your

IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you

present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding

me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of

conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what

were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Duh !!!!!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had

three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were

boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your

Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was

your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose

death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a

guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you

describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus

was in town I’m going with

male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance

here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many

of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.

The live ones put up too much of a

fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your

responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:

Oral…

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall

the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was

by the time I

finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you

qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that

question?

______________________________________

And

last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood

pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:

No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,

Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Friday Funnies

For all the teachers, former teachers, future teachers & parents….

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

A laugh for the day to get away from politics! Enjoy! STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM I would have given him 100% for his wit!!! Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Spread the laughter, share the cheer Let’s be happy, while we’re here !!

You never realize what you have until its gone. For example, toilet paper.

Romance

> A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
> sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.
> If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip.
> If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!
> The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,    "
>
> I am in the outhouse.  Please advise."


The Cover Up

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work.  Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.  Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.  With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.  That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
“Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”
  • Thinking the Same
    Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
    For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the “conversation.”
    Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
    “My husband spends his nights …  calling out to owls,” she said.
    “That’s odd,” the neighbor replied.  “So does my husband.”

More Humor and thought for the day

It’s an interesting approach to that which weighs us all down.

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’… She fooled them all …. “How heavy is this glass of water?” she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

She replied , “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night… Pick them up tomorrow.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.
I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.
“Are you okay?” I asked.  “Can I help?”
He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”

Friday Humor

Carolyn, a rich blonde,

Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day,

but at night, the car just won’t move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a

week (but without any luck), she furiously

calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a

technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds

nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde

and asks: “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the

right gears?” Full of anger, the blonde replies:

“You idiot, how on earth you could ask

such a question? I’m not stupid you know!

Of course I am using the right gears;

I use D during the day and N at night.”

Explanation of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

 

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed……

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

 

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed……

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

 

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty”

And God agreed again……

 

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

 

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

 

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.