Tuesday was my birthday, I turned 55 and what do I have to show for it, not a god damned thing! After looking back on my 55 years, I have come to realize that i haven’t achieved anything worthwhile.
I can’t keep a job, I have so many medical and mental conditions that it is a chore to get out of bed. I don’t own a home, a car or anything of value. SSDI doesn’t pay enough to keep up paying rent, utilities, medical expenses, food and other essentials. The only positive thing that I have helped to contribute to the human race, are my son and daughter.
My existance on this Earth has not helped it in any way. All I have done in my life is ruin others lives. When my time ends on this earth, it will be better for it!
Well, apparently I’m a complete idiot or I have serious mental issues. I can’t change my pattern! I have made this happen numerous times since 1983. Sometimes it could not be avoided due to job or benefit loss. Other times I can’t explain, I am not even sure what happened.
Also, I’m done dealing with my COPD and other medical conditions. I just want the end to come soon. The world will be a better place when I’m gone!
Just when I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, a wall went up. Why is it that people sy one thing and mean another. I know I lie, but this was downright deception. Give me hope and then snatch it away!
Why am I forbidden from airing my feelings on the web and social networks and others are? I can’t say I’m depressed and worried about money, my health and the feeling that I am becoming more of a liability to my family than an asset. I can’t say that the thought of having to leave the house scares the shit out of me, that I don’t have enough energy most times to make my own food or take a shower. Most of the time I wish death would pay me visit. I have no one I can talk to about how I feel. Who can afford to go to mental health counseling.
Well it has been awhile since I have posted anything new about our struggle. First the family had to split up and Kathy and I went down to Cape Coral, Fl to stay a few days with her brother. That was very stressful. He has a dog that was named Evil when he adopted it, but he changed it to Evie. Evil is a fitting name. Everytime we go down there with our dogs, the is a major fight between Evie and one of mine. I almost always get bit by Evie trying to break it up. So, it was a very stressfull 2 weeks dowh there. Nikki stayed with different people in Orlando as she had classes and work.
We thought we found an affordable place to live and we could get our family back together. Boy, were we wrong! It was a slum! Full of mold, bugs, the floors were soft and ready to collapse. We paid the rent there, but had to move to a hotel because of the condition of the crap shack. I will post photos soon
Now, we have gotten approved for a nice home, but because of the loss on the trailer and having to stay at a hotel, we are about $600.00 short to get this house. We have the security and part of the rent, but the owner won’t hold it without all the money upfront. We are so disappointed.
There is no agency in Orange County, Florida that will help with the first months rent, electric deposits or security deposits. Other counties in Florida do, but not here. And my wife and I are disabled too! But the charities don’t care, if the news were making a story out of us, then they would help us out, otherwise, they say tough luck! Our life was looking up, but then a damn Albatross crapped on us!